Hold That Thought-Emotional regulation and control in the contemporary classroom

Emotions. Crisis. Trauma.

Human beings with real feelings. Real dilemmas, issues, lives.

Teachers and students.

Waves. Sometimes waves upon waves.

Highs and lows. Undertows.

Hold that thought.

Grab your board and let’s ride while we chat.

We know that Social Emotional Learning, Mindfulness, Mental Health is something all of us need to work on. And I say all, because even as adults, we are not necessarily the best at identifying, regulating and speaking our truths and we’re at our own places on the journey and this must be respected.

We have programs we can work with, many of them fabulous resources which helped us lead kids to awareness and empathy. But…

If we know this is important work, why are we simultaneously alluding to the fact that teachers must needs always be these Mary Poppins like robots of calmness, zen like and stalwart in the face of all, “managing” and directing the class at all costs?

Hold that thought.

Someone needs us.

It’s the middle of class and a student from one of your other classes is outside your door, shaking, breathing irregularly, tears threatening.

They need you.

Now.

Yes, it’s “inconvenient”. Yes, your job is to teach the students in your class. Yes, you’re not a _____ fill in the blank. I honestly can’t count how many times over the years I’ve had to switch gears on the fly. Address the class to keep the work going, in such a way it respects the dignity of the student(s) outside, call the office, guidance, whoever I can get in touch with immediately, and out my door I go. To sit on the floor, sometimes hold some hands, talking, slowly, calmly, quietly talking, breathing if need be, telling my own story about anxiety attacks, letting them know it’s ok, we can get through this, breathe and breathe again, until it subsides and support arrives. Sometimes, the others will take over my class while I do this work, other times, we’ve gotten through it and they are ok to move to a different space. Regardless, we ride the waves until the waters calm and we can paddle back to shore.

But, you said we shouldn’t be models of control and calmness, zen and stalwart. Which is it? I need to manage my classroom and my students. I can’t be taking breaks for this; it’s not my…

When we ride the waves, we can get tossed about, we can get sucked into the undertow. Sometimes we absolutely must be a calming centre in a tempest especially when dealing with a crisis, or trauma, or someone else’s anxiety attack.

And my kids, they get it because I model, model, model.

It’s when classroom or emotional “management” takes precedence, classroom management and academics timelines take over the teachable moments, like bulwarks they stop the natural flow of things and we lose out on what could be defining moments for our students to learn core skills that help with relationships, team work, mental health, empathy.

Sometimes the point of the lesson is that we need to change direction; we must go where the students are taking us, to meet them as them as they are, where they are and this includes emotionally.

From my modelling this, my students learn that emotions are ok. We all have them. They learn to be empathetic not judgemental. They learn that if they too are riding the waves, there are safe harbours. They don’t question, judge or look askance when another student comes in, sets up camp beside my desk on the floor, pulls out art supplies, ear buds and just starts to create. They know from experience that my space is a safe space where, when they can’t cope, regulate, function, they can work on other class work here, or work through their emotions using whatever materials I have on hand.

But that’s chaotic! What about their other classes? I can’t be responsible for other students? What will their teachers say? They need to be in class learning.

Hold that thought.

How much learning do you think will happen when a student is not regulating? Sometimes, they can’t even articulate which emotions they are feeling.

They. Just. Feel.

This is where your relationships with your colleagues come into play.

Call their teacher (rule #1) and let them know where their student landed.

Call guidance etc. to let them know what’s going on with that student.

Chances are, had they not landed with you, they would be out of the building, most likely for the rest of the day, self medicating, possible self harming, definitely not learning.

If they’re not being disruptive (rule #2), then they are safe, and you are providing them with an opportunity to work things through, and you are modelling to others that processing is normal depending where each student is on their journey.

But that takes so much time! It’s disruptive. It’s not fair to the students in my class. I don’t have time and you still haven’t explained your criticism of “Mary Poppins” perfect teachers. This is too overwhelming!

Hold that thought.

Here’s the deal and my perspective.

Emotions are real and everyone has them. We need to make time, to role model what we expect students to learn from programs or packages. We need to walk our talk, not just show them a video or read some slides. We need to be real and authentic about our emotions. We can’t just suppress all the time, put up false fronts of placid professionalism because what does that look like and what do they learn?

Perhaps it’s because the students I work with are older, perhaps it’s the relationships I build with them.

They know I am calm in the storm, the bounce in the groove, and I am authentically me.

Contrary to some recommendations, I will name my emotions.

I am…frustrated, sad, joyful, amazed, bewildered, angry, tired, happy, overwhelmed.

They hear it and they see it because I’ve called it directly, in my outside voice, and they respect and honour that honesty and vulnerability, because then they learn it is safe to have emotions and how to name our emotions.

But we can’t go around being angry, or crying, or upset because that will have a negative impact on the emotions of our students! We need to buffer their emotions so that things don’t get out of control. A teacher must always be in control of themselves! A teacher must always be in control and manage the emotions of students!

Hold that thought.

Yes. And no.

It’s the what comes next that’s important. When they hear me name it, then they see me role model what I do with it.

They learn that maybe I need to take a minute to breathe and recenter. Maybe I need to laugh so hard tears roll out my eyes. Maybe I need to shed tears of joy, or sadness, to let them know just how very much I care and they affect me.

They see it. They understand it and itt gives them strategies and tools.

Yale’s Centre for Emotional Intelligence created a program called RULER. “RULER is an acronym that stands for the five skills of emotional intelligence: recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing and regulating emotions.”

It is built in to the every day of the school environment such that it helps students and staff navigate emotions.

Some have called this emotional labour.

Hold that thought.

I call it an emotional investment.

Sometimes we just need to – Stop. Listen. Ask questions. Name your own emotions. Be vulnerable about ourselves. Role model, make suggestions for ways to change directions if needed.

When we do so, kids see us learning to deal with our fears, our hopes, disappointments and frustrations. We model learning (sometimes, when we’re not so lost in our socratic superiority). Why not model emotions? Model naming it. Model strategies. Model getting help. Model apologies. When you build this base then you can…

Hold that thought

Help.

Be there for.

Set the groundwork.

Kids in crisis. Kids who have experienced trauma. Kid who are experiencing depression/anxiety. Kids look to us for guidance, for themselves, for their friends.

I’ve handed more kids canvases and sketchbooks and told them to take your brain off that train, whatever that needs to look like. Anxiety, depression, trauma, the need to self medicate, self harm…put it into music, on the canvas, into words.

And when we model real, authentic emotions, we give them license to feel, to name their emotions, to work through them. And sometimes, it makes all the difference between one step. One fatal step.

I’ve cried. In front of a student (and my VP). A student who was near and dear started slipping. I knew something was off, but couldn’t put my finger on it. I asked them to name it.

Depression.

Severe depression.

Scale of 1-10?

9.

I had given the class something to work on, called admin and had taken it into the hall. There I discovered cutting, slashing and suicide ideation- to the extent they knew the how, but hadn’t gotten things together, just “thoughts”.

I started to cry.

Sitting there in the hall, holding their hands and feeling those words rain down like hammer blows to my heart, the tears dripping down my face, I named my emotions: great love, pride in their accomplishments, overwhelming sadness, pain at the thought of possibly losing such a phenomenal human being from my life, and determination, that together we were doing to get help to help figure this out.

Did it make a difference? I don’t know. But I knew that at that moment, at that time, that heart needed to know my heart.

In my 25 or so years of doing this, I have never regretted naming emotions, building those relationships and riding those waves.

My only regrets are the ones I have missed.

Hold that thought.

I am not you and you are not me and we’re all going to work as we are comfortable.

Furthermore, we cannot do this work without supports. We all need supports, our teams of professionals, our personal supports because heart song work can kick your ass and drain you as much as it is some of the most joyous life affirming thing you might do. Secondary trauma is a very real, and potentially debilitating thing. Always make sure that you take care of yourself after dealing with any crisis or trauma.

My final question to you?

When you are presented with that opportunity to connect and do the heart song work, what can you do a little bit differently to make those connections, model emotions and how you deal with them, such that your students will feel safe, supported and heard?

It’s an investment. It’s a journey.